getting back..

• my dorm is a total mess right now and i'm pretty sure i'm using this as a distraction so that i don't have to clean it up! go figure.
• i don't know what to do with my life. and not like now, like all of it. all i want to do, seriously, is write. the whole actuarial thing is just a means to get there, and i guess i'm having seconds thoughts about all of it. probably because my stats professor can't teach and i haven't gone to class in a week, but still. (does anyone have any of this figured out? i'm told no, but that's a hard pill to swallow for someone who usually has no problem with this sort of stuff.)
• i haven't done laundry since i've gotten to college...because maura does it for me...and i've realized that i'm not really sure i know how to use the machines here. not that it counts as an excuse, but that's what i'm going with...i seriously need to learn tonight.
• loyola is kind of gay...pun completely intended...but seriously, i don't know if i want to stay here next year...everyone says that sophomore year is better anyway, but i guess i'll be seeing about that...i need to get my act together and make my grades better, however, if i ever want to get in anywhere better than here...i should be getting like a 4.0 but right now stats is making that pretty much impossible...my views on grades have obviously not changed except that now i'm trying to make friends with the system...and see where it's gotten me?
• all i really want to do is write. i could write all day. and maybe i should.
• i haven't been to brianna's grave since i've been here...which is horrible, i know...and i seriously would like to go..you need that kind of stuff every now and then..(i'm listening to only the good die young right now, which is why i thought of that...subconscious works in funny ways)
• on said subject, i've realized there will always be a part of my that physically remains in chicago...as harsh as it is, i have a sister in the ground here, and there's nothing that's going to change that...so it goes, i guess, but it's worth thinking about..
• english club has been amazing so far and i'm so glad i got involved...the events are starting to come together, and as treasurer, i might even have a job to do soon...not that i'm anxious to do more work, but with the work comes much more fun...and opportunity...
• as much as i do love chicago, i can't wait to go home for a while...and not just because i miss dana...i didn't even say goodbye to my dog, which doesn't sound like much, but i was that kid who slept with all of her stuffed animals because i didn't want them to feel bad that i liked fluffy wuffy best and really only wanted to sleep with him...also, i miss my friends...being away makes you realize that even if you didn't talk for a year, or you completely changed, or you had a shaky past, it's all really not a big deal because it's those friendships that matter, not the problems with them...these people have helped shape you, whether you like it or not, and acceptance of that fact is never a bad thing..
• in my poetry class, somebody penned "window of opportunity" on the window..very clever..
• i'm secretly saving up for a plane ticket home...or just to boston...so i ask my dad for money all the time and actually don't spend any of it..
• ariel imed me today about wheaton...apparently the people there are stuck up and she's thinking of transferring...which is interesting...i don't know why, exactly...maybe because i never really expected to hear from her?...or maybe because i kind of feel the same way (i don't hate it, but i could if i were that type of kid)...
• this is empowering, is it not? that you can write anything you want, and it doesn't matter if people agree or disagree with you? and hell, what does anyone else know anyways...these are the opinions on my life..
• i read somewhere that the average woman sleeps with four guys in her life and the average man sleeps with seven women...i think these figures are far too low..and if they're true, as macey so eloquently said, i've fulfilled my duties as a woman..
• i love the song "wild world" by cat stevens...seriously, it's so true...it is a wild world...in both good and bad ways..

Currently Listening Born On A Pirate Ship [ENHANCED CD] By Barenaked Ladies break your heart. see related

there's so much drama in this world, idk how to fucking deal, so i try to stay out of it. gag.

good news: i got a free college app. good news: i'm almost finished with penn state app. good news: i'm getting out of this house in like 8 months. i got my SATS back. not bad, but not what i hoped for. 720 math, 650 verbal, 770 writing. at least i broke 2000. anyway, school is corrupt. "i never let my schooling interfere with my education"..mark twain knew his shit.

NOTE: nobody, ever, has been, or should be in love with me. that's too much pressure and too much overestimating. and, it's not my fault that boys are so incredibly retarded.

[edit 11/30/06]
rabbit, rabbit tomorrow. can't wait?

i hope i haven't fucked things up. but there is that chance. i wish i remembered everything...

[edit]
i lied. i'm celibate as of now.

round two. only this time, this is for me.

i need to figure myself out. things are getting awkward and there's nothing worse than that. sundays are so boring. i got "officially" dumped today. and do i care? not really.

why does so much change from week to week?